heaven after all

(in my bones: one day it’ll all fall out so clear & obvious. oh my god!)

it’s all been said --oh how many times !
so then it must be given to say over & over
is anyone listening then?
but that is not my job
come to the banquet

and some things are too fleeting
too precious in the first place to capture
so just give yourself over to having them
and then do the best you can
a pretty imperfect science wouldn’t you say?
come to the banquet

and one day it’ll all be revealed
all of it. to everyone
across the board --all of it!
and everyone will say of course!
and how is it i never saw it?

and the great one will be there
saying you did the best you could
you saw what you saw and you acted
where you were able and
i am so pleased to see you at last!

and there will be so little blame it will spin your head
because truly blame and perfection
have nothing to do with one another
and you will understand at last
the roar of the ocean that held you close
and that earliest time before you could think on it fulltime
when light itself seemed precious --because it was

and there was a certain sacredness in the very air
--because there was
and your ah-ahs! will cause the great one to smile ear-to-ear
and there will be such rejoicing --just like they always said and
you couldn’t quite understand why
oh my god, no wonder! . . .

and life will be revealed for the gift it always was
. . . and death? and death?
well, you were given all the grace you needed to pass through it
and only you knew that for sure
while the rest could only see your suffering
and here you are my child at last

pretty simple stuff wouldn’t you say?
and no one will ask if you’ve any regrets
how could there be?
and no one will seek explanations
what more do you want?

and no one will test you to see what you’re made of
you’ll be wearing it!
and no one will lead you into inadequacy or doubt
not here, not at home
and other things too you’ll recognize instantly

the colors. the music. probably the smells
and for awhile, say the first few centuries or so
it will keep coming back to you:
it was all there then! every last particle!
how could i’ve missed it?

until you feel the gentle royal nudge
until at last there’s no one left back home to take you to task
until you begin to allow yourself the return
the welcome. the reward. the fulfillment
why of course: the alpha, the omega!

and all every bit can be just be. and nothing’s left to pay
and suddenly you hold it all only there’s nothing left to grasp
and there’s no more to say --not to mention convince or prove
or even resonate alongwith anymore

and your sigh will fill the oceans!


from this smell i'm flowering
by jim rucquoi
(unpublished collection, september 2002)